


i crave you.

by MythologyPastry



Series: Kahn and Dax: A Study [3]
Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Character Study, F/F, Forbidden Love, Pining, Post-Canon, Symbionts, captain ezri, i added the tigan tag because of what i wrote for the essay part
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-25
Updated: 2020-11-25
Packaged: 2021-03-10 07:01:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 502
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27709424
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MythologyPastry/pseuds/MythologyPastry
Summary: Lenara reads something a young Ezri Tigan wrote, trying to remind herself that Captain Ezri Dax wasn't always Dax, that maybe she doesn't have to love her.
Relationships: Ezri Dax/Lenara Kahn, Jadzia Dax/Lenara Kahn
Series: Kahn and Dax: A Study [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2019907
Comments: 3
Kudos: 5





	i crave you.

Lenara Kahn knows that Jadzia is dead. It's simply fact, but traces of her remain like the ashes of a forest fire, and Lenara can't help but choke as she breathes them in.

Ezri Dax is the talk of the Commission, for now. She's made captain, they say. She switched tracks and proved herself in command. Many joined want to send her a joint gift; Lenara declines when they ask her to pitch in. Her excuse is simple. "We can't look like we want to reassociate, and gifts might send the wrong message."

But her friends don't look convinced, and sometimes, when Lenara isn't too distracted, she can tell that they would rather her not bring up reassociation at all.

_Karppi Kran was married to Dela Orlen before he died. Now Larus Kran is married to Dela, too._

Nilani, even in all her grief, was fiercely against reassociation. She believed everything in her life was improved with Kahn by her side. It wouldn't be fair to deprive any future Trill that chance. Lenara barely remembers how she got by before her joining herself; the memories are there, but the thought process, the way she connected from point a to point b, it's all gone. Rewritten.

Ezri Tigan once wrote a paper about reassociation for a class, they sing. Not growing up on Trill ruined her; she didn't understand something she never encountered. There were no joined trill on New Sydney.

Had the Commission known of the paper, though, she would have never received Dax. They would have had a conniption, of another Dax open to reassociation.

Everyone knew about Jadzia Dax's stance. They were so happy that she married into a Klingon House. It doesn't count as much if they aren't Trill. How many Klingons end up with a symbiont of their own? _None._

Ezri Tigan wrote, at the fresh age of 16, that reassociation had potential benefits that many hadn't considered. That children could be raised by the successor of their parent, instead of distant relatives. That brothers and sisters could dine at each other's houses, even with new faces. That friends would always be able to find a new middle ground between them.

But more importantly, the contents of the fifth, sixth, and seventh paragraphs haunt. The words rise around her before settling in her stomach, right on top of Kahn.

Ezri had written an argument for reassociation between lovers, for their own mental benefits.

Lenara could cry, and she does, violently. This girl, her body much younger than Lenara's own, would welcome her back if this essay is anything to go off of.

But a voice, one she recognizes vaguely as Nilani-esque, reminds her that she's the one that left Dax, not the other way around. Host death isn't a betrayal to a joined Trill; dumping them is a whole nother matter. And there is _Worf_. Ezri already has one reminder of a past life, who is Lenara to add onto her suffering?

But she wants. Oh, she wants.


End file.
